Laws of Motion

There are several minutes left.

I see the tall grass,
Waving in the breeze along the highway,
And all I can think of is her hair,
Gently flowing through my fingers
As she lay by my side.
The moonlight flooding our bed.
My love. My wife.

I see the date trees,
And the only image in my mind is of my daughter as a young child,
Offering me the seed in her little palm.
Done with the fruit, she thought I would want the remains.
“Here, Daddy!”
We laughed about that for years,
Even when she went to university.
She was my greatest joy.

I hear the birds,
And my mother is with me again,
Whispering that you can hear God in their singing,
If only you listen closely.

And that is why I am here. I can’t forget.
I used to have love and friendship in my heart.
Now all that remains is grief and hatred.
I used to have faith in God and goodness.
Now I know only loss and a pain that will not fade.

There can be no God.
There can be no God when that day was just another day.
When the world can still go on.
Just another day.
Just another day when they took my mother to the hospital.
Just another day that I couldn’t go with them, out trying to get work.
Just another day with nervous Americans at the checkpoint.
Just another Arab woman confused by their gestures and shouts.
Just another car they filled with bullets,
And just another slow crawl at the bottom of their news screen:
“Baghdad gun battle leaves 3 Iraqi civilians dead…”

There is no God, but there is physics.
Every action must have an equal and opposite reaction.
I was an engineer before the war, I know how this works.
In an instant all of my pain disappears forever,
And is transferred to the Americans.

So now I see it in my rearview mirror.
The convoy is slowly getting closer.

I am not afraid of death. Not now.
I long for it.
It is the only thing that can save me.

The jihadis thought that I was calm because of my faith.
They exclaimed, “Omar, God will welcome you to Heaven very soon! Be glad!”
They don’t know that I don’t believe it.
I had to play the part otherwise they might not have let me go.
They need holy martyrs.
I only need to get close to that Hum Vee.

And here they are, arrogantly pushing everyone over to the side of the road,
The soldier on top pointing his machine gun everywhere.
I’m driving slowly and quickly they approach on my left.

I want to look them in the eyes,
So I hesitate for just a moment.
The soldier in front is an Arab-American.
We make eye contact and I can see a rush of fear;
He must see the resolve in my eyes…or the detonator in my hand.
He begins to shout, but it is only a second that I have waited.
In my last moment, I wonder if he is praying to God to save him.

That will not work.
God is not there to hear.
We will not meet again in Heaven.
It is over.
Now.